Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Month That Was June 2009

For the past two months, there have been three obstacles to regular or even sporadic updating of this site:
  1. having actual work to do,
  2. my inability to finish David Copperfield, and
  3. the DOJ's heroic vigilance over errant web-surfing (no Blogger, Facebook, Gmail, Twitter or Wordpress -- how will I know about new dead celebrity montages!), which relates to Obstacle 1 but merits its own bullet because I have so little willpower or self-control.
But it wouldn't do to let the month of June 2009 slip by without a single update, and so let us reflect upon

The Month that Was
  • June 1 - (present): stricken with either the most nagging cold ever or allergies for the first time in my life; hate and fear dogs, dust, grass, human touch, sunshine
  • June 4: police cadet calls me a "bleeding heart liberal"
  • June 8: security staff at Elgin Middlesex Detention Centre (read: screws) make uncharitable remarks and use foul language while audible over the Video Remand system; they are reprimanded by the Justice of the Peace
  • June 9: I review a file in which a prisoner tells the guards he has taken two ecstasy pills and has to go to the hospital, and then surrenders a bag of ten more ecstasy pills; this prisoner's date of birth is recorded as December 1996; I reflect on what I was doing when I was twelve years old and conclude that, though I wasn't dealing ecstasy, I might have been playing too much Warcraft II
  • June 12: accused person resolves the charges against him just short of his fiftieth appearance in #12 Court, at which date I really intended to ask whether or not we could, you know, get the show on the road a little bit
  • June 15: in Toronto for articling Q&A at the Ministry of the Attorney General (aka the provincial Crown's office); the two-hour production might have been reduced to one question ("do I have a hope of getting a job here?") and one answer (a snort)
  • June 17: back to Toronto for DOJ open house; a Crown prosecutor acquainted with my employer in London requests that I "ask him if he's sober these days"; I laugh because we're in public but do not pass on this greeting
  • June 19: I am required to encourage counsel to schedule pleas for Wednesdays only, when a federal Crown is guaranteed to be available to read in the charges; this request doesn't sit well with counsel, who don't want their clients to have to spend five more nights in jail in order that the federal Crown isn't inconvenienced; I resolve never to make such a request again
  • June 21: celebrate Father's Day by renting an enormous woodchipper for the whole weekend
  • June 21 (evening): want to watch Fargo for some reason
  • June 22: every member of London's news media turns out to #12 to see the two-minute appearance of a woman accused of murdering her three infant children; I try to sit up straight and look halfway competent for a change
  • June 23: the sole remaining person in the RCMP office remarks on his way out the door, "you're really burning the midnight oil these days" -- at 4:30 PM
  • June 25: Farrah Fawcett, biggest also-ran since Dodi al Fayed
  • June 26, 9:00 AM: a co-worker tells me that she thinks Michael Jackson was unfairly convicted by the media and holds out faith in his innocence -- which is ridiculous of course, but refreshing coming as it does from a prosecutor
  • June 26, 5:00 PM: board Greyhound bus en route to Toronto for the weekend; last remaining seat is next to a woman wearing a Snuggie; send text message to this effect to several people, careful to conceal the substance of the message from her view
  • June 28: miss Pride Parade in Toronto in favour of seeing Woody Allen's Whatever Works; conclude that God is LGBT; Whatever Works is an abomination and offends His sight
  • June 29: staff at Bluewater Detention Centre use language unsuitable for a courtroom, also while audible over the Video Remand system; they are likewise reprimanded -- they're not hired for their soft touch.