Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Suit up

If Plan A doesn't pan out, and it's looking increasingly likely that it won't, there's always in-house counsel. As long as I don't have to call anybody bro, I have no qualms with ignoring my Criminal Ethics prof and walking away from my duties to the court and to the proper administration of justice. And I was never gonna save the rainforests anyway.

Unfortunately, those who emerged from the OCI process with nothing to show for their efforts except wine-stained teeth are now horning in on the cushy in-house jobs too. They may not have been hired by Bay Street, but their grades and resumés are still better than mine. (And I've worked for the Federal Crown and for an ad-hoc war crimes tribunal.) Every time something appealing comes along, a crowd of desperate law students materializes from nowhere, CVs in hand, trampling all over each other to be first in line, not unlike the citizens of Springfield around a van full of placebos.

  • Better hours
  • More reliable client = consistent paycheck
  • Not dropping dead of a coronary, at the age of forty, in the middle of a courtroom, with only the dregs of humanity at my side (and also the clients! ZING), would be a definite plus
  • Striking parallels between Marshall Eriksen [above]'s life and my own continue
  • Imagine this conversation -- "So, what are you doing now?"
    "Oh, I work for Ergotron. ... They make those brackets that hold up your TV and stuff."
    "Oh yeah. ... Didn't you go to law school?"
    "Yeah, yeah I did."
    "So what are you doing at Ergotron?"
    "Well, sometimes they get sued. Like if the bracket falls on somebody or something."
    "But, like, you didn't want to work at a law firm? Like a real lawyer?"
    "Uh, you know, firms really aren't hiring these days, so ..."
    "Right. [awkward silence] ... So I guess you sold out, then, eh?"
    "I'm going to break that martini glass with your face and then use the shattered stem to perform a tracheotomy on you. Then I'm going to blow into the hole and make you into a singing puppet."
    "Jesus Christ! What's wrong with you!"
    "Sorry. Imaginary Will is a cauldron of thwarted aggression. This is unfathomably inappropriate for a law blog."
  • What if I had to work at some office park off the 401 between Etobicoke and Kitchener? Or worse, between Pickering and anywhere east of Pickering? Unacceptable.


Anonymous said...

I *heart* HIMYM. Anyhow, isn't the "dream" to be in-house counsel after practing 6+ years at a law firm.

Will said...

indeed, that is the dream. unless you want to save the rainforests.

frankly, the rainforests deserve better than me defending them anyway.